SPEAKER_02 0:03

Hi, Huntress.

SPEAKER_00 0:07

This is Top Right. Where we get more comfortable talking about money and dealing with money. Brought to you by Huntress Wealth. 71% of women are investing, but only one in six feels confident about where she's headed. Huntress is the all-in-one financial app built to help you make a plan, get actionable steps, and build your wealth. Join the waitlist at HuntressWealth.com and get good with money. Hi, Huntresses. Before we get into today's episode, I want to take a moment to acknowledge that you're about to hear a story that takes real courage to tell. We're covering domestic abuse, financial control, and divorce. And if any of this touches on something personal for you, please know you are not alone. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can call or text 1-800-799-7233 or chat online at thehotline.org. In this episode, you'll hear one woman's honest account of how abuse can show up in ways you might not recognize, and importantly, how she navigated her way out, financially and emotionally. Today, my guest has chosen to remain anonymous and we'll be calling her Ella. What she shares is honest, specific, and I think it will change the way you see what abuse can actually look like, because it doesn't always look the way that you expect. Ella, thank you so much for being here and trusting us with your story.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Thank you so much, Yesenia. I'm really happy to be here and I appreciate having the platform to share my message.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

Yeah. So I know I started off by saying that, you know, this is a sensitive topic on abuse and divorce and your personal experience. But, you know, given that it is such a personal experience, what made you feel compelled to tell this story? Sure.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Well, I will say I'm at the point in my life where I feel very secure. And even so, I still find myself living with a lot of the aftermath and downstream effects of my abuse. And many times I've thought to myself, as bruised as I might be from what I've experienced, how privileged I am to be able to sit here and safely process the experience itself. And there are a lot of situations that arise in which people who find themselves in these experiences aren't as lucky or privileged to be able to one walk away from the experience and to have the resources or the capacity to heal from them. And so my hope is that by sharing some of this, I can at least help some someone, um, help anyone, and if nothing else, give a different perspective um than I think for lack of a better word, outsiders may have of domestic violence situations. I think oftentimes people have this idea or image of what an abuser or an abusee might look like in these situations. When the reality is this can really happen to absolutely anyone, and it may be happening to somebody who you would never have expected it to happen to. In the spirit of encouraging those who might find themselves in the situation, I want them to know hey, you are not alone. There are many people who've gone through this, are going through this currently, and you are not alone in this, in this path.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Yeah. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it's really important for all the thing reasons that you mentioned that people hear this. Um, and I know you kind of alluded to this, but I think you yourself are not the typecast, right? And so what is your background?

SPEAKER_02 4:16

Yeah, so I think thank you for acknowledging that because obviously I personally am biased and thinking, oh wow, I can't believe that this actually happened to me. And that might be something that I, being biased to myself in my story, may have just fabricated. To give you an idea of what my background is. I grew up in a rural area that was that predominantly had a Hispanic population and a loving family, plenty of positive role models, plenty of positive feminine role models as well. I mean, in my youth, I was quite competitive, ambitious, and I would consider myself currently to be a recovering perfectionist. I definitely have let perfectionism fall to the wayside as I have met multiple realities in life that have humbled me in great ways. I think I when I was young, I was considered somebody that had a great head on their shoulders. Um, maybe, maybe to my fault, too much of a good girl, if you will, or um kind of a star pupil or just a star role model in society, maybe might have been the perception looking in. I always sought out kind of not the accolades necessarily, but the academic and extracurricular challenges. Um I would consider myself to be very successful and have been able to really build wealth in a way that I didn't imagine I could when I was a kid. At the end of the day, ambitious student, fairly successful career, uh, had by all accounts a lot of things going for me, and grew up with some strong female influences in a situation, in fact, where um many of them were very focused on making sure that I knew what the value of education was and what my independent power really was. And even then, I found myself in a situation where suddenly the power dynamics were quite different. And I had to evaluate how to get myself out of it.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Did you find yourself in this situation? Like what how long were you in this relationship? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

So we could definitely talk about kind of how things might have started. Um, but one thing I feel like I need to emphasize for some reason is that I don't know if anyone ever really like quote unquote finds themselves in this situation as much as they wake up one day and they're just like, what is happening to me right now? I'm so like bone-tired and exhausted, and just my nervous system is on high alert at all times, what is happening? I don't think you really find yourself until much, much later, where you can start unpacking things and identifying holy crap, no, that that is a valid experience, and that's exactly what was going on. And so I just want to emphasize in case anybody who is listening who might be in an active situation, you might not even realize that you're in this situation, and that's okay. Um, but as far as kind of where where things started, is um, I got into a relationship while I was in high school that honestly from the beginning had a lot of red flags. Um, but I didn't really know any better. And uh also I think there were a lot of factors that contributed to despite me having kind of what I deemed as success at the time, um, rendered me with some pretty low confidence. So for me, and I can't speak to everyone who is in situations like I was, um, I think I was always I've always had a very defined, let's say, professional vision. But when it came to personal matters, I've had to grow so much. And at the time, I was so emotionally immature and honestly like very pliable and easy to manipulate at the end of the day. Um, for a few reasons. But when I got into this relationship, I was like, oh, I don't know, 15 maybe. Um, and it was not a relationship that was like a constant relationship. It was kind of an on-again, off again relationship with honestly someone who now I can look back going, you know, hindsight's 2020. But if I look back, many people told me this. It was like, what are you doing with this person? This doesn't make sense. This is not a mat. But that individual, and I think many individuals who ultimately end up being abusers, almost seek out that kind of personality. I think that they look for chinks in armor. Um and they may not even knowingly do this, but I think that they then easily find angles to exploit that. And I think that's exactly what happened. Um the biggest parts of abuse didn't happen until much later, but the groundwork was all being laid from the time I was 15 years old. And after unpacking a lot of it with a therapist, again, very, very privileged to even be in the position that I could spend the time and the resources to go through that journey. It gave it became really evident to me that I had been gas lit for a very long time. And what that looked like in the situation were things like um love bombing to a point that would also come with like juxtaposed like slights, or I might be told how beautiful I am, and then be told how there's absolutely no love like ours, how I would never find anybody else who would love me the way that individual would. But then that would be juxtaposed with messaging about just just like, oh, good luck, good luck out there without me, type of messaging, which is, you know, not something I I'm not gonna remember, you know, word for word because it was 20 plus years ago that this was happening. But um that, you know, was something that at the time, like I didn't really, it wasn't as explicit as like a good look out there type of thing. Um, the way that it came was was more subtle. And I think that's why it's so hard for people who are going through maybe the beginnings of a relationship that potentially could be abusive to really identify like, oh wow, this is a huge red flag. Um, this individual was really savvy, I'd say. Um always very much a, you know, as much as I kind of discredited them by saying I was way out of their league, uh, this guy was really street smart and was known for being really street smart. Um and he definitely used that to his advantage in trying to belittle me in ways that I think I didn't I didn't realize until much, much later. And so, you know, things, things went on. We continued on. He would always, if if something went wrong, or if I even was seen like talking to another male, he would posture in this way that was like really threatening to violence. And if it wasn't at the time, it wasn't violence toward me, because of course I wasn't in the same household, but it was violence to the individual I might be talking to in a completely platonic way. Like violence that I knew I could be putting somebody else at risk of. And about that, I took that as my responsibility to like not talk to anyone else for their protection, which of course now sounds crazy. Like I was freaking six, 15, 16 years old as this is happening. And after this little kind of, and the the thing that I think really what I would call groomed me the most was that threat of violence on others um paired with this underlying, like seething rage that I knew like at any point could just bubble up. And again, like obvious red flag, right? Like totally obvious. But at that time, like, did it matter? Because there was just as long as it was me being isolated with this individual, it was just like, oh, we're having the best, we're having the most fun. Reminder, I this was in a rural area. But um also I lived on a ranch and I did not have access to a car. And that was one of the tools that was used against me, which again sounds like pretty laughable, but it was. It was like a, oh, do you want to go to this social event? Do you want to go to this social event? Oh, I will take you to that social event. Oh, is a friend gonna take me to that social event? Suddenly that was a problem. So there were like hooks that were put in me without me realizing it and me seeing it more as a like, oh, no, I really just want to do this because, you know, we're a couple. I want to show up to this together or I want to do this together. Like it will really hurt me if you do, you know, X, Y, or Z. Um, but those are the kinds of, I think, straight, smart, and savvy moves that he made with not having total power over me, but finding paths of power to have over me. And so that continued, and kind of that's kind of what our entire high school experience was like. And then um our senior year, we broke up for the longest period we'd broken up for. And it was maybe one of the most depressing times of my life, like truly. Like he made it so that others would not approach me or talk to me. Like there were people who ours used to just socializing with, um, weren't a part of his circles at all.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

And then when did you guys rekindle the relationship as you left home and went to a major university?

SPEAKER_02 14:40

Yeah. So so we, you know, went our separate ways. So he went to school pretty close by. And um basically there were just ways that he would always like find his way back to my orbit. Somewhere around my junior year in college, um, he had kind of just claimed that he'd turned over a new leaf. We had a lot of shared interests at the time, and it was something that I just was like, oh well, yeah, you seem much healthier in many regards, and like a person that has changed a lot. And so I gave him another chance. The power dynamics were so much different because I had autonomy as um as an adult in the world, whereas prior I had not. Everything was pretty tame, honestly, for the longest time. We were communicating well, um, things seemed to be positive uh when I started my career. And so um, so we embark on this new adult relationship, and things are great, things are doing fine. Um I was working in a field that was incredibly demanding, requiring like 15 plus hours of work a day, etc. And he was starting his career and uh quickly developing a new network where we lived. And it wasn't long after he just clearly was emboldened again. And what that looked like was not having any regard for certain things in the relationship, things that I don't think any adult in a relationship would kind of stand for, like just um moments of just being heavily under the influence of a lot of things, um, not just alcohol, things that just seemed off and were things that I wasn't very interested in having in my life. Uh, my first response was this is somebody who I've known forever and who I genuinely care about. I want to help them in whatever way I can. And so I would bring up like, hey, these are unhealthy behaviors. I don't think that this makes sense. Like, you need to find, we need to find a way to like stop this. And that would just enrage him further. And it would go into this like nasty cycle of kind of resentment. I had raised my hand when it came to different yellow and red flags that were emerging, et cetera. And um, we he would do the classic thing that I think all um substance abusers do, which is, you know, they've had a bad, a bad binge of some sort, and they'll come back and be like, yes, I'm changing, like it's gonna be okay. I can have this under control. And so we had gotten engaged, and shortly after we got engaged, we just actually sent out announcements to everyone. I found out that he um had been cheating on me. And this hadn't just been a one-off situation. This was with multiple people. Uh, he was in a situation where he was a, let's just call it a health professional. And he was even sharing images of women to his friend groups, even um, as like trophies for what he had conquered, I guess. And um I had a complete meltdown. It's like this is absolutely insane. Like, we just got engaged. What the hell? And all he could really say was, that's private. You have no idea what's going on. I'm like, private, like, yeah, like these girls whose images you shared were private. And I that was the first time I was like so pissed and I really stood up to him. And unfortunately, that escalated to a point he was this was something that I confronted him about. And later that he like kind of left and kind of got wasted. Came back, and I was like, hey, I didn't realize he was wasted at the time, but um, I really should have maybe sense-checked that. Um, I'm a very aggressive person when it comes to debating or discussing disagreements. And I was just ready. I was like, hey, look, this is not resolved. We need to resolve it. This is just not acceptable, blah, blah, blah. And he was so angry. This was the first time that he got physical. He didn't get physical with me directly, but he got physical in threatening some of my possessions. Um, and also started getting physical with our surroundings. And I very stupidly, um, in an effort to get him to stop trashing our home, um, kind of jumped on his back and we're like, hey, you need to calm down, thinking that that would calm him down like an idiot. And it didn't. And he like bashed me up against a wall. And I don't think he intended on physically harming me, but you know, obviously that did. And um the next morning, I just said, like, hey, like, this is not something that we can do. Of course, he was very apologetic, et cetera. And that was really kind of the first time where I was like, okay, like this is now a situation that I need to be watchful over. But even then, I couldn't see a path out. There was so much social pressure on the fact that I had just announced my engagement to all of our family and friends, like to then say, like, oh, never mind, we broke up. Sorry, um, just seemed like something that was completely out of touch. And um, you know, he continued with the old juxtapositions of his love versus what would be out there and how I wouldn't be able to recover, basically, and in not those words, but his whole school. Yeah, the manipulations of this is something that we have that's positive, and you'll never find anything like this again. And um, that with the social pressure like really just kept me there. And so we ended up getting married uh on our wedding night was the second time he got the most physical, unfortunately. I thought I threw an amazing party and I had a great time, but I also have a healthy relationship with alcohol. And he did not. And uh at the end of the night, he basically just like had a tantrum because I had set a boundary on something that I didn't want to do related to a social event. And he was so upset that he started uh throwing objects in our wedding suite, um, started yelling, screaming, saying that like I didn't know what I was taking from him, that he couldn't believe that he that I was doing this. This is all, by the way, after a massive party I've thrown for our friends and family, completely funded by me, as well as our entire life at the time. He was not really raking in money. And if he was, he wasn't sharing that money with me. So here he is, like the audacity to really say, like, you're taking so much from me on our wedding night as we're supposed to be like starting this wonderful chapter of our lives. And I was so shaken because I was so pissed. There was again this social pressure of like, we literally just got married. Like, what the hell am I supposed to do now? He did not physically touch me during this time, but did he have to no? It was so scary to go through that. And somebody had filed a noise complaint because it was so out of hand. The hotel staff came up with a police officer. I opened the door. And in my mind, I was like, oh my God, like I'm gonna have to deal with bailing this person out. I need to neutralize this. They asked me, like, hey, we got a noise complaint. What's going on? And I just said, like, oh, somebody's just a little out of hand here. Like, it's fine, everything's fine. And they kind of looked at me, saw me still in my wedding dress, and just said, Oh my God, like, are you the bride here? And I said, Yeah. And they just looked at me like so heartbroken. I just kind of disassociated and just said, you know, like in my mind, just we're gonna get through this, it's gonna be fine, and I'm gonna deal with this tomorrow, but I am not gonna let kind of things completely unravel until we do deal with it. And so I talked them out of coming inside, um, called, called uh some of his family, and had I didn't feel like he could be left alone safely at that point either. And so his family member came to stay with him and they took me away to um to his the or to their kind of room, so that I just had a spot that was away from him. And as I'm trying to kind of get things together, still in my wedding dress, like basically undressing in front of them so that I could change into something that wasn't my wedding dress. Um, you know, I'm there just sobbing silently as I'm getting undressed, like just literally naked in front of these people, just because I'm so disassociated and just need to change out of what I'm wearing. Um, they're there trying to console me by saying, well, you know, don't worry about this, Ella. Like these things happen. I've been through this too. Everything's gonna be okay. Y'all are gonna get through this. And you know, he's always had a temper. Like, he'll get over it. He's gonna say sorry. Y'all are gonna be fine. You have such a great life ahead of you. And I am just thinking in my mind, how the hell does this happen? And how the hell are these women who I I respect, by the way? These aren't people that I think are that they're so kind and wonderful. I love those people, that those family members. How in the world have we gotten to the point where this is now an accepted and unintentionally enabled part of male behavior? I should never have experienced that period. Nobody should experience that period, least of all on their wedding night. And I just remember disassociating and being like, wow, like what? This is gonna take me a long time to really unpack. Of course, there was like a lot of apologies, etc. Um, I accepted them because there were these social pressures, and I just thought, nope, this is just one more bad night, and it'll be fine. And so we went on, things were fine for a while, and then we relocated from my work, and he really started to mentally decline and really crumble outside of his um the social network that he had developed. I finally got him to commit to going to like a rehab of sorts that was more so for like just like kind of mental health. And when they brought up like, hey, we want you to be sober from everything uh during this process, it wrecked him. Like he spun out so bad. His anger got worse, his rage got worse. It wasn't ever directed toward me, it was directed toward other people, but I could just see this person mentally declining. And there was a voice in the back of my head that was saying, this is going to be face, this is going to be pointed toward you soon. You need to figure out how to get away from this, or you are going to have hands laid on you. And I still believe that that would have been the case. Um shortly thereafter, I found a way to kind of navigate out of the relationship. If I had not been in a position where I was a breadwinner and I had maybe some additional life experience under my belt to compare to, I truly don't think I would have had the foresight to lead the situation. And I think I would be in much worse shape than I was when I left. Um I think that kind of and then, you know, as we were going through things, there were calls back trying to put, you know, sink teeth in me again on multiple occasions and in different ways, new new manipul manipulative tactics. Um at one point he was sending me articles about how certain things, attributes he had made for great fathers, which was hysterical because he had never, ever claimed he wanted to be a father before. Um and just any kind of manipulation you could think of, he was just throwing it at me. And for the first time, I was just like, no, like I am, I'm done. I'm burnt out. Like we are, we are now done, done. And uh, and yeah, so that kind of I think that in a long way answers your question of, you know, what were the phases of abuse? In summary, I think it was a long, slow burned gaslighting situation that really depleted my confidence outside of the relationship. Then as my power dynamic changed, he found other ways to kind of come into my good graces until he could find a spot he was comfortable again in to then exert his power and influence through his social network again. And when that failed, that's when the anger started even amplifying even more. And I'm sure it was a matter of time, like I said. Like the last, I think the last lever he had to pull was that physical control he would have. It was always a matter of control. And how he was gonna angle for that control was just kind of something he was gonna adapt to and find a way to influence our lives with.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

How long were you married? Oh, it was just over two years. Did you ever confide in anybody about the struggles prior to divorce? Like, I know you clearly have the incident where everyone in the hotel knew, but like, did you ever feel the power to like speak to anybody about it, or were you kind of just like stuck in this cycle in your own head? I think I don't think I told anyone about it, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 28:41

I think people knew something happened, but they didn't know the details of what did happen. And I think that's also in my fix-it type of pride um and ambition of I'm going to get this under control. Because I always have in other parts of my life. And so, no, I I didn't tell anyone. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. For me, it was because of the social pressure. I had resources, enough resources, and I wasn't super well off at the time. I was, frankly, I was being leached by this kind of person who I would consider a deadbeat, but um I just didn't think it was an option to say anything outside of it because of the embarrassment it would bring of like, well, why are you in in this in the first place?

SPEAKER_00 29:33

You mentioned that you were the breadwinner. How did the process work to get out of the relationship? It sounds like maybe there was some financial abuse.

SPEAKER_02 29:43

You know, it is very interesting that you frame it as financial abuse because I never thought about that, but I think I I agree with you that it was. It certainly was something that drained my coffers, and it was something that I didn't realize was doing so at the time. As far as how I kind of walked away from it, there were a few things that I used to my advantage. Um, I certainly wasn't equipped for um getting out in a way that probably made like the most financial sense. I just knew like I saw an opportunity and I took it. I luckily had very close friends who practiced family law that I could consult with so that there were some pretty specific actions I could take to protect myself. And I'm by no means a legal expert, but the things that did help me were one, I moved all of my assets to a non-shared account immediately and without him knowing. And I did keep some in our shared account because I felt responsible for this individual who had moved cities for me. So I left I left funds for him there and provided more of an allowance so that he could navigate what he needed to navigate. Um and one thing that I also did right before we were going to split assets was I had a mountain of student debts that I had not paid for. And so the first thing I did was I threw a ton of money at my and nearly paid off all of my debt, uh, student debt, because that is not community property. And so by doing that, I protected a ton of my financial health um and was able to kind of then lower my asset risk as we were going to split things. Um, and so as we kind of continued though, it started getting really sketchy. And there were probably some further protections I could have taken because of that cash allowance, there was still stuff that was shared. He was just taking like hoards of cash out. When I asked him why is this cash coming out? Why are you taking a thousand dollars from our account?

SPEAKER_00 31:56

Was this before you guys had split up or it was while we were separated?

SPEAKER_02 32:02

Honestly, from day one, I should have just said, like, hey, as soon as you separated. This is as soon as we separate, like, here's your allowance, this is mine. Before I filed for the divorce, I then just swiftly moved everything. And part of the reason I did so was because this guy was just like stealing from me, like continuing to steal from me. And of course he was gonna say, like, well, this is so that I could budget better, etc. And I'm like, what does that even mean? So I'm sure there is a smarter way that I could have approached a few of those things. Um, but those are the things that I had to do to, those are the easy things I could do to financially protect myself at the time. But I did not have a plan. I just was like, I need to be out of this for my own personal safety.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

But as far as like the divorce decree, did that end up with him taking assets from you once the divorce was finalized?

SPEAKER_02 32:53

Yeah. So ultimately, I think I protected myself pretty well by putting a large amount of my cash uh toward offsetting, you know, student debt. And so I was really fortunate that at the time, sure, I had some 401k assets, but um it wasn't like a mountain of money. And I was able to kind of mediate and, you know, maybe take some liberties and posture a little bit on saying, like, listen, this will get very ugly if we drag it into court. I will bring up literally everything that you have ever done to me in the court and make it very difficult for you to really walk away with quote unquote what you're entitled to, because he threw that in my face constantly. Um, when I would propose something, he'd say, Look, I'm just trying to get what I'm entitled to. And I'm like, what is it that you think you're entitled to? And um, he would bring up the fact that I did pay off my loans and be like, hey, we're paying off your credit cards, which have a lot of your college education funded. So don't get it twisted. This is not something that you are owed that I am stealing from you. This is my money that you have exploited for a long time. And he didn't love hearing that. But whether it's true or not, he believed that I would make it hell for him and that we would probably end up with no money. So we kind of had, we're at the luxury of, because we were kind of depleted, there wasn't as much at risk that would have justified going through like a four-wing case splitter. And that is a huge blessing because that is a very costly process. But I did end up settling with like a few thousand dollars in cash and one of our vehicles, which again was something I entirely paid for. So it was truly one of my my vehicle. Um, I and then whatever personal possessions he carried with him, basically. And so, all in all, I think it was a pretty good deal. The only thing that I agreed to, and this was something that I thought was fair and helped sweeten the deal, was I did pay for like a year of continuing medical fees for something that ended up being quite slight. I said, Look, I really want you to be able to continue to look for ways to improve your life. And I truly think that without this, you will not, even though I don't think highly of him. Um, I do feel sad for him as a person, like many abusers, he was abused in his own life in certain ways. And I think that that abuse perpetuates abuse in our society, and it's really sad. Um, and and I think I think anybody would like to say that they, if if they are in that situation, that they would like to end the cycle, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of self-realization and hard truths, and just not everybody is gonna get there, I think, at the end of the day. And you know, that's another point that I think maybe kept me in for so long. I have a lot of compassion for generational cycles, and it took me a long time to really accept that that's not my responsibility and live with the duality of I can be here emotionally for a person, but that does not make my right to safety less, and I should not martyr myself for this. Um and you know, I just want to acknowledge that could be something that people who might still be in situations are living with. Like, oh, it's not their fault because they've been through this. Well, no, at a certain point we all have autonomy. I think it's just something to kind of keep in mind is just truly knowing and having boundaries on what your responsibility is.

SPEAKER_00 37:02

That's very true. I mean, you're telling your story now, and I know that you're a very healed person at this point, but like, did you ever tell your family about this? I am curious, like, what the reaction was.

SPEAKER_02 37:15

Um, so the first immediate reaction wasn't because I had told them any details. It was just by the obvious life that had been breathed into me from escaping this crippling relationship that I was in. And the literal first thing that I heard from my extended family and my immediate family, like the first holiday after my divorce, was wow, it feels like you are so much lighter now. Like you're just happier. And that was something that was really, I felt really vindicated with because a lot of the abuse was creating this picture where my nervous system was constantly frayed because that's how he had to keep power. I think I first shared um a hint that this was happening in a social media post in solidarity with others uh during uh domestic violence awareness month. And a few people reached out to me to say, I can't believe that that happened, especially because they knew the individual. And this person is, I mean, he's a really charismatic guy. I think anybody who meets him would say, like, he's so nice, like he's so great. He has so much great energy, he's so lovable, et cetera. It's like, yeah, yeah, I did see that. That's part of why I was, you know, with him in the first place. Um, unfortunately, that's reserved for those that aren't close to him. And um my mom did say, like, I've never asked you, and I'm so sorry that that happened to you. Um and she kind of slowly started asking, but was very careful about asking me for details. And I did tell her exactly what happened. And her reaction, I think, was a muted sadness. I could tell by her reaction and her tone that she really didn't want to like pity me too much because she was just really happy I was out of it. But I think her reaction was like a damn, how did I, how did I not see this in an individual? And I think there was a little bit of guilt there. The majority of the reactions are just like gratitude that I'm not suffering in that situation anymore. I do feel like it's important for them all to know the more people see what this can look like, what it can look like over time, the more not only can we maybe recognize it in ourselves if it's happening to us, but recognize it in our loved ones if it's happening to them. Um, I think is a massive service and a great way to mitigate perpetuated abuse in our communities.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

You mentioned earlier that you don't find yourself in this situation, and you very rightly corrected me, and we talked a lot about how this is a slow burn. But what was really that light bulb moment when you realized that you needed to get out of this relationship?

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Yeah, the light bulb moment wasn't even something that was like an absolute threat toward me. It was seeing the red flags of the anger, the like seeding victimization that was like underneath it all for him. As his professional situation was unraveling, his mental health was unraveling quickly. As much as I wanted to help him through it, he had a lot of misplaced rage and anger. And experience told me that that was gonna come around. Uh, that was gonna come around, and I knew that it was going to amplify. And without the prior social structures that he had to maybe control me, that his last resort was going to be physical abuse. And um I that's really the moment where I was like, okay, this is where it stops. And I think I only am privileged with that perspective because we had time apart. And as stupid as I felt for a while about being quote unquote, like tricked to be back into the relationship or tricked by good behavior. Um I think that was a huge blessing because it gave me the perspective and the confidence of what maybe not what relationships should look like, but about how life should be and how life should look and feel. And I knew that it was gonna go down a dark path eventually. So that was really the light bulb moment was he is desperately looking for pieces to control, and I can't be the last piece that he has to control.

SPEAKER_00 41:47

You've mentioned, you know, we've you obviously sound very healed. You mentioned going to therapy. Were are you already seeing a therapist during your relationship, or did therapy come after divorce? Therapy came after divorce for me.

SPEAKER_02 42:02

Um I was just I I have no idea how I came to that revelation under the stress I was under. Um, but I thankfully did. And that's another reason why I consider myself really lucky and privileged to have escaped a situation like that that would have undoubtedly ended in a very nasty physical altercation.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

You know, we've alluded to this, but just saying it from my summary of of you is that you're in your late 30s, you had a successful career working for Fortune 500 companies, um, and you're like you mentioned, you're the breadwinner, et cetera. Um, and I want to acknowledge that you're now in a healthy relationship with children. How was the transition, like the work into a healthy relationship? What were things that you looked for when you were looking to get back into a relationship?

SPEAKER_02 42:56

It's a really good question. I don't know that I was really look this is gonna sound very cliche. I was not looking to get into a relationship. Um, a relationship kind of found me. What is so telling about that is that it was a point where I did not really want to be in a relationship. I was not looking for anything. And then someone came by that was just truly such a breath of fresh air that was life-saving, truly. And I think the things that my husband and I now seek, um, and I think always have naturally had are that regardless of what our differences are and what disagreements we might have, etc., that we always come back together. Always, that we can be unconditionally loving without sacrificing our boundaries. If we have a disagreement, okay, we just disagree and that's okay. And one of us might be pissed for a while, but whatever, that's not the other one's. problem and we're going to do our best to try to meet in the middle. We have a me and you type of philosophy, which is you have this perception of something and I have this perception of something. Even if those are very far apart, we have to acknowledge that these both exist and they have to work for us for us to work in our relationship. And more than anything, I think just friendship, respect, love, and joy is a huge part of our relationship. And if I had been looking for something, like I couldn't have looked for a better partner if I had tried, I think. And I'm really happy to report that it's nowhere close to a comparison to say like, oh, these are the things that I learned from my past relationship. No, like that was just what I learned in my past relationship was complete survival. Whereas what I continue to learn with my spouse now is collaboration for purpose of our family thriving. And that scarcity mindset to dare I say an abundance mindset of sorts, how do we amplify our good is just such a stark difference. I have two daughters and if there's anything I want for them it is that I want them to find just that pure we can thrive energy. That doesn't mean it's not going to be hard. That doesn't mean that it's not going to be bumpy. It can be really turbulent at times but there's it it is going to you're going to be in a situation where just by virtue of the joy and the love and respect you bring, you will thrive.

SPEAKER_00 45:37

Thank you so much again for sharing the story. It was amazing. And now I have to ask you the final two questions that we ask everybody what does rich mean to you?

SPEAKER_02 45:45

I have been thinking about this question. To me, honestly it's a pretty easy question to answer. Rich to me is having community around you that is driven on love, respect, and care for one another and just always having the capacity to strive for that knowing it's not going to be perfect because we live in an imperfect society as we are imperfect people. But surrounding yourself with those who are trying to attain that purpose I couldn't ask for more. And I am just so blessed that I have surrounded myself with many people who I think all strive for that reality of living with just respect, strength and love.

SPEAKER_00 46:30

I love that answer. It's really lovely. And then the last thing is what is your advice to all the huntresses out there?

SPEAKER_02 46:39

Oh man whatever it is that you have your eye on doing there's no better time to start than now. Whatever that small changes whatever that small thought is it will lead to that big leap. You just have to start you cannot wait for momentum or for motivation to come to you. You have to manufacture it whether that be that you are in a position that you don't want to be in or you're in a great position and you want more you just have to start in whatever way you can and something as small as a walk outside could be the start of of your big tomorrow. So just go for it. Just make it happen.

SPEAKER_00 47:29

Okay. Love it. Well thank you so much for joining and sharing your story.

SPEAKER_02 47:36

It was a pleasure to interview you. I thank you so much Yusenia it was an absolute pleasure excuse me it was an absolute pleasure and happy Huntressing to all the love and how to me you'll love the Huntress Wealth app where you can get more comfortable with money, make a financial plan, and make your money move. Sign up now at HuntressWealth.com